5 Months in…
The title may absolutely lead you to believe that I’m 5 months into AA or therapy, or even jail. So you’re probably wondering “girl, what you did to get there”? Let me tell you… I did absolutely NOTHING and that’s why I’m in the predicament I’m in. Now… I didn’t say it was a bad predicament, I just said a predicament. Stop making all those assumptions. Wishing the worst upon me or as people say “praying on my downfall”. Why is it that we automatically assume the worst instead of the best case scenario? Hell, that’s what got l us all in the predicaments we’re in now. BUT, I digress because that’s another story for another day.
Sooo what had happened was.. In April, I ended up linking with a guy I ghosted in January. Let’s just say I should have left his ass in January. LOL. I definitely have to take accountability in the role I played in this so it wasn’t on him. No one forced me to do anything. I slipped up. That’s just what it is. He invited me to go get drinks on this exact day 5 months ago and I agreed knowing damn well I shouldn’t have because I was fasting. That should have been a whole sign but you know what we do with signs.. we take them as a sign to run full speed into a dead end. AND I DID.
When I tell you it was a great night. We danced. Laughed. Acted like we were invested in each other’s life stories. He told a bunch of lies. You know the usual. I had one glass of wine. Uno. Un. Whatever language you wanna put it in, it was ONE. And not even one because I was tipsy after a few sips. If you’re anything like me, you know where wine goes. Straight to the.. I was playing it off though because I knew I was abstaining but then guess what happened. It started raining.. Pouring down. It was like one of my favorite scenes from my favorite movie The Notebook.
The rain just slapped the icing on the cake. It felt like the universe was sending the perfect opportunity for “my girl” to show out. I meannnn, it had been since November. You can guess what I did next.. I drove my happy ass to his house and the rest is history.. I won’t go into details because y’all don’t need to know ALL of my business but I will say this.. I started crying before we were even done.
I was trying to hide it but by the look on his face you can tell I wasn’t doing a good job AT ALL. He probably heard my ass sniffling in the bathroom. And after agreeing that I would spend the night with no spennanight bag (another sign) I made up an excuse to get the hell out of there while it was raining knowing damn well I can’t even see when it’s sunny outside. I won’t tell the rest of the story because I made some irrational decisions after that but I will say it’s good to have men in your life who actually care about you and not just what’s sitting in between your legs. That leads me into the lessons from being 5 months in.. not in prison. But, 5 months in after choosing me. Yes, I finally decided to choose myself after 1,234.7 failed attempts.
Go ahead and get your laughs out because this is where it gets serious.. OR NOT.
HERE ARE A FEW LESSONS I LEARNED:
My vagina isn’t a microwave.
I know I know. It sounds silly but listen… I learned I can’t just go around allowing everyone to open the door to my creative power just because they’re hungry. Believe it or not, people actually do feed off of your energy through sex. You ever felt tired after sex and assumed he “put you to sleep”? Well, he indeed did after exchanging his emotional baggage for your vagina’s healing properties. Sex is an exchange of energy and if you’ve been working on yourself you’ll learn to keep that door locked shut until you experience someone who is worth unlocking it for. Someone who won’t dump emotional baggage but will uplift you with their energy.
2. It’s okay to want some TLC
Its okay to creep every once and a while but it’s important to know what kind of Tender Loving Care we are actually yearning for and why. When the urge to have sex arises it’s important to ask yourself a few questions.
Does this urge feel urgent?
Did I start feeling this after something happened in my life?
If I received a hug right now would I still want sex?
If you answered yes to 1/3 of those questions, you are indulging in sex as a re-action instead of a thought out decision. At this point your genitals are leading your brain down a rabbit hole to the middle of no where. Oftentimes we don’t actually want our vaginas to be penetrated (I just looked up the definition of that word & I absolutely won’t be using it after this) or our penis to be stroked. What we want is our souls to be penetrated and stroked with love but instead of grabbing our SOULXSENTIALS we tend to grab a…. You know what I’m tryna say.
3. Most men & women are a lot less interesting without sex.
We ALL know we’ve had sex with someone not 1, not 2, not 3 but 100 times that we actually didn’t even like. Their penis or vagina made them 10x more interesting when they truly had no substance or character. In other words, they had nothing to give but penis or vagina. Where’s the self respect in that? The integrity? The dignity? You’re giving the best parts of yourself to someone you wouldn’t even introduce to your parents let alone have children with. Yet you’re risking the possibility of creating life with this person. What is really going onnn? Is it that you’re more comfortable taking that risk than actually digging deep into the trauma you’ve associated with sex? Is it that you’re more okay risking the work you’ve put into yourself than turning down some vagina? It may sound unrealistic, but when it comes down to it this is exactly what you’re doing and guess what.. I’ve only scratched the surface.
Looks like we’ve got some work to do & that’s okay. I got your back on this journey back to self. After 5 months in… My hope is that sharing my lessons will allow you to have 1,233.7 failed attempts instead of 1,234.7.
Until Next Time,
AG.
